My Shapewear Philosophy

When I was a kid, my mom used to wear a girdle. It was white, made of very thick, stretchy fabric and went from her waist to just above her knees. There may have been some boning in it — I can't remember for sure — and on the underside of the legs was this swirly gel stuff to make it stick to her pantyhosed legs. It was like a wrestling match getting it on. It looked more or less like this:

I don't think she wore her girdle every day, but definitely every Sunday to church. She wore it over the top of her pantyhose, then on top of all this she wore a full slip. Being a woman in my mom's time wasn't all that much different from being a woman in Scarlett O'Hara's time.

I own a half-slip, but I never wear it. And I don't own any shapewear. I know that may seem antithetical for a fashion blogger and I swear it's not because of the love-your-body movement. (Well, okay. Maybe it is a little bit that.) But mostly my argument is this: THE FAT HAS TO GO SOMEWHERE.



Lines like Spanx and Yummie Tummie are enjoying a huge surge in popularity right now thanks to their brilliant, ground-breaking merchandising strategy of marketing through mommybloggers. I mean, everyone's doing it. Shapewear companies have the added benefit of being able to use women's insecurities about their bodies to create this groundswell of popularity on the blogosphere.

(As a side note, if you're interested in exploring shapewear further, there are at least a dozen giveaways of one or the other of these brands that are going on at any given time on mommyblogs. So there's that.)

But I'm not giving in to the hype and I'm not buying into the self-doubt that I will somehow look better if I squeeze myself into their product. And here's why: THE FAT HAS TO GO *SOMEWHERE.*

The web sites selling the products aren't even all that convincing because they show them on skinny women. Take, for example, the Spanx "Super Power Panties." (Yes, that is their real name.) 

This is like those wrinkle-cream and hair-color ads that feature women who are barely 30. Show me how it works on a real woman — one with wrinkles and gray hair, who actually needs your product — and then maybe I'll consider what you're selling. But wait! Spanx also has plus sizes on their site! Oh good...let's look at those!

FAIL. I mean seriously, I can see her hipbone sticking out.

I would also like to point out that if you click on the "features" button below the photo on the web site, you get a shot of the model from the waist down. She is wearing nothing but Super Power Panties and Lucite heels. Seriously, Spanx?? Wow, who exactly are you people marketing to??? And if you click on the Before/After button — ahh, finally...a shot of what the product can do for real — you get a photo of a woman wearing an obviously larger-sized skirt in the after shot so that it's not stretched like a fitted sheet across her ass. I wish I could post these photos here but they display them in a way that makes them impossible to steal so I do encourage you to venture on over there and view the insanity for yourself.

The only woman who might benefit from shapewear like this is a woman who isn't overweight but may be a bit flabby and she wants to tighten things up under a body-hugging skirt. One mom told me she wears Spanx religiously because her thighs rub together. Okay for her, I guess. I just use this.

Because if I'm carrying 10 pounds of extra fat in my belly and I put those Super Power Panties on, with their "amped up, tummy-taming panel," you know what's going to happen? The bulge in my stomach is going to cause the waistband to roll down and the fat is going to pop out the top. Because as much as you want to believe that the fat will be pushed inward, and thus disappear, I have some very unfortunate news for you: Your vital organs are going to prevent that.

I once knew a girl who wanted to get one of those full bodysuit pieces. Now, her career was on television so I get wanting to look good. But anyone want to guess what would happen if you were 15 or 20 pounds overweight and you put on one of these?

Right. You would suddenly have Dolly-Parton-sized boobs popping out of your neckline and all the way up to your chin. Know why? Because THE FAT HAS TO GO SOMEWHERE.

Do you wear shapewear? Convince me.

"These thighs haven't been out of the house 

without lycra on them since I was 14."